deep down

I often think about what i've done to try to make you feel welcome.

the number of times that i muted and dulled my feelings to make sure you felt safe with me, holding back every ounce of being mad at you so that you didn't feel i was pushing you away, knowing sometimes you needed to hear my anger, but held it back anyways.

the amount of times i welcomed you back with open arms, knowing inevitably you'd be gone in a couple of months, max.

the amount of times i've drafted messages that i could send to my family, to tell them how much you meant to me, because i wanted them to welcome you into it.

the amount of time i've spent defending you to everyone.

the tears i've spent on you, knowing nobody makes me feel the way you do.

and deep down, i do hold resentment, but i've let my care and understanding completely overpower it.

the amount of times i've told people we were speaking again, and i was lectured by every single one, telling me i was stupid, telling me you didn't love me, "that's not love," "that's not fair to you." and i defended you.

and maybe they were right, maybe i was stupid. maybe i shouldn't have been so forgiving, maybe i wouldn't have if i would've known that when i would beg for forgiveness, explain my side of things, while i'm sick to my stomach and feeling like i'm not in my own body .. that you wouldn't be even understanding. that i'd be lectured by you too.

everyone told me, that you'd leave again any time i told them you came back. and i knew they were right.. but i stayed every time because how i felt with you overpowered how it felt to lose you. and i guess you didn't feel the same, and that's fine, you knew you risked losing me every time you left, but you did it anyways. and it was always something hurtful, always something that landed on me but you'd come back and say "it's not your fault." and i don't know why i believed you .. and every time you left, my head only reminded me of the quote, "one day you'll try to find me again, you'll look me up and all you'll find will be an obituary." and i'm too stubborn to do it, i owe things to too many people, but i think about it. and i realize, even if that was the case one day, how it would destroy you. and i don't want that. but sometimes i just .. it's a thought.

and i don't have it in me to block you, because i know that would make you finally realize you had complete control and i took it away. and with everything in me, i don't want you to have control over me, but i've loved you so deeply for so long that all i wanted was to make it work.

so if you wake up one day, and you can't speak to me anymore, for whichever of the reasons .. i hope that you realize i fought for this. and whatever i do, it took everything in me, because i knew how it would affect you and did it anyways.

sound familiar?