slowly moving on

i will love you for the rest of my existence on this earth. but you've shown me that even if you ever did, it wasn't enough to stay. i've learned that i have to love you from a distance, even though i so badly wanted it to be you.

i longed for the future we wanted, the one we discussed for 5 years. i wanted it to be you when i was standing at the altar in a wedding dress. i wanted you to be the one to put a ring on my finger. i wanted to fall asleep and wake up with you, for the rest of my life. and now it all only feels like a vivid dream.

you promised so many times that you'd stay, promised so many times that we could make it work. and i guess we couldn't, and have to just silently love each other from a distance. which truly wrecks me, but i understand.

i think i'll write about you for the rest of my life. you're the only thing that has given me passion to write the way i do, because it's about you. you have a hold on my heart, my spirit, my soul. one that no one else will ever have. but i wanted it to be you.

and i know it won't be, but i'll forever wish it was.

i want to erase every part of you .. the tattoos on my body, things in my room that were yours. to take everything off of my walls, and become someone you will never know.

i want to become a version of myself that i actually like, because the only version i liked was the one that loved you, the one that you brought out. but with you gone, she's gone too.

i know that i'll never glow the way i did with you, with someone else. and slowly, i know i'll come to terms with it, but i'll always miss and long for you.

and you come back every time .. tell me you never meant to hurt me and how much you love me, how you never go back to anyone else. and it only reminds me how easy it looks to walk away from me. no explanation, no attempt to work it out. just .. blocked. gone. it seems so simple for you to erase me, and that's what hurts the most. how can you claim to love me so much, when all you've ever done is walk away like nothing with me ever mattered?

i'm not even invalidating your mental health reasons in walking away, i'm only saying ... that sometimes it seems like with your walking away for you, and disregard for my any say that i could have about it, that you never cared about trying to make "us" work.

and with that, i've tried to slowly move on, not to be with anyone but in attempt at distracting myself incase that one time is the last time i ever hear from you.

i don't want to move on. i know that you could call on my wedding day and i'd run back to you without a second thought because i know the person that you make me.

but with your back and forth, i start to wonder if i should. i long for someone wanting me enough to stay, and work through the hard shit with me, and you never have .. you leave the second you feel stressed, instead of it truly being a conversation.

do you value my opinion? do you value my love? or do you just value that i'm someone that's there whenever you want to come back?